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2:49am… 

This is what I wake up thinking about…. 

I’m not a teenager. 

I’m 34 years old. 

I see relationships differently and I don’t know if it’s because of my age,  or because of my ex. 

I got guilted and manipulated into moving in together after just a couple weeks.  I didn’t want to. 

But now I’m 34, not 26. Time goes by quicker. 

I pray to god I find someone who has done understanding. And patience. 

Trust me,  I’m not crazy.  I am well aware of the faults that live in me.  The problem is,  they weren’t there before. 

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Platonic Climax 

His smile was like a firefly lighting the dark path back to my heart.  In the wetness that covered the grass my confidence slipped like a toddler learning to walk. 

His laughter carried me higher and I found balance on the deep tones that bellowed from his full lips as his attention and eyes were focused on me.  

The second my head went back with laughter and his hand reached for my thigh to gain balance,  my heart tiled to a place that I found dangerously satisfying. 

He didn’t notice that my thighs parted,  but only that my laughter calmed,  and my eyes became steady on his.

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“Freedom” sounds like a flogger…

Some times we have a yearning inside of us that will quite literally lock us up. I don’t mean sexually, I mean mentally.

We all have things we need and are scared to ask for. I learned how to say “Please, Sir”….

 

The stress of the day was beyond bearable. I wanted to scream, cry, and run at the same time. I stripped as soon as i walked in the door and jumped in the shower. The hot water was helping, but minimally.

The music was blasting through the stream, but my body was just not feeling it.

I washed, and exited the shower. Dried off, and dressed, I crawled into bed. Slowly i closed my eyes, and began to weep. The pillow catches the majority of my tears, and my body slowly shakes under the muffled cries.

I drifted off to sleep, and prayed tomorrow would be easier.

It was roughly 1 am when Sir came to bed. I woke, and looked at him. I couldn’t turn away. I wanted to beg him to hold me, to tell me i would be OK, but i couldn’t move.

“Whats wrong, love?” He asked.

I just shook my head. He had seen this look before. He knew what was wrong.

I couldn’t cry. I Wanted to so bad, but I couldn’t. My entire body was shut down, and i couldn’t tell him what was wrong or what i needed.

His hand reached out and brushed against my cheek, “I need you to tell me what you need from me. I need you to speak it.”

I closed my eyes and a small tear fell, i shook my head.

“I will lay here, right next to you, and I will hold you. But you and I both know what you need. I cannot give it to you unless you tell me.” His hand found mine, and he slipped his fingers between mine.

I opened my eyes and looked at him… his chest was bare, his jeans were still on, his belt undone. His beard was scruffy, clearly in need of a trim. His eyes were the perfect shade of green.

I closed my eyes again, and reached for his chest. I rested my hand there for a few moments, and before I knew it, i drifted off. Five minutes or five hours, i couldn’t tell. When i opened my eyes, he was still laying there, his fingers intertwined with mine, and my other hand resting on the bed in front of him.

His eyes opened, and he gave a slight smirk, “You feeling any better?” he whispered.

I shook my head, still unable to sleep. The stress of the day had seemingly rendered me mute.

He reached over, and cupped my face in his free hand, “You have to tell me, or i cannot help you.”

I closed my eyes, and decided, I had to tell him. I would count to three, and blurt it out.
Ok… one… two… three…. nothing. I tried. I couldn’t. I looked at him, and i started to cry again.

“I want so bad to make you feel better, but I have to know its ok.”

I counted again…

One…
Two…
Three…

“Yes, i need it.” I whispered.

“Tell me what you need..” He said softly.

“I need you to break me open. Please, Sir” I began to feel dizzy.

He leaned over and kissed me in a way that was more comforting, that passionate.

“I want you to stand, undress, and lay on your stomach.” he instructed.

I followed the instructions.

He turned off all the lights, and added a blindfold to my eyes for good measure. He placed ear buds in my ear, and the soft music began to play, loudly.

I could not hear him, nor see him. I was in a black out.

Suddenly i felt the soft leather tracing from my neck to my ass. Then from my ass to my feet.

THWAP!

The flogger cracked against my skin. But there was a lack of pain. This contact, it was him reminding me.

THWAP!

Against my ass.

THWAP!

Against my thighs.

Nothing. For what seemed like forever, there was, nothing. The fear flooded me. Was he gone? I would never have heard the door. I would have heard nothing except the music blasting in my ears,

“Long ago, it seems so long ago
How young and innocent we were
She may not remember me
But I remember her”

I felt the hard, stiff leather strap running down my spine, down between my ass cheeks, and down my left thigh.

Back up my right leg, and across my ass. Then it was gone.

CRACK!

The leather strap hit across my ass and I could feel the sting instantly. I bit my lip.

CRACK!

Again, the sting was worse.

CRACK!

The burn began, and i could feel the welt rising.

His hand reached for mine, and i squeezed once, letting him know I was OK.

His hand moved, and i waited. Again, waiting for what seemed like forever.

“Angel I hear you
Speak, I listen
Stay by my side
Guide me

Angel, my soul
Was weak
Forgive me
Enter at last, master”

CRACK!

The strap hit so hard across my thighs that i let out a cry.

CRACK!

Again across my ass, and the tears began to fall.

CRACK!

I opened my mouth and knew the cries were louder than i could realize.

That was it… I began crying and i couldn’t stop. I reached ahead of me and gripped the sheets so hard and buried my face in the bed. I kept crying and couldn’t stop.

The ear buds were removed, the blindfold removed, and before i could protest he pulled me from the bed and was holding me so tight i couldn’t move. I sobbed into his chest and let go of everything i had endured that day.

He sat down on the bed and pulled me down. I laid next to him and cried.

He reached over, touched my face, and kissed me.

I lost my breath on his lips, but found my composure in his arms.

“Thank you,” I said softly.

“You don’t need to thank me. I know how to break you free, and I am all to happy to help.”

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New… 

I don’t think people understand that having an amazing friend is better than having an amazing lover. 

Look…  There is no awkwardness,  there is no rejection,  there is no worrying about doing something wrong. 

Last night Sir and I went to dinner with my cousin and his gf,  and we laughed,  and laughed,  and laughed!  I don’t remember the last time I felt so free to be happy. 

If he wasn’t…  Him…  I would have been closed up.  I would have been worried about enjoying my food.  I would have felt like I couldn’t speak,  I would feel like I had a responsibility to make his night perfect even if it meant sacrificing my own enjoyment for the evening. 

But I didn’t have to… 

I could laugh,  joke,  enjoy the food (even though there was no way I could finish it all),  and I picked up the check without feeling obligated  or guilty about it. 

This morning was the first time i woke up and decided to have a “me” day. I have thrown out my rules and enjoyed it.

I was craving DD, so I got an iced coffee and doughnuts for everyone. 

If your reading this, just know you mean the world to me, and im so glad we have met eachother along this journey of life.

💞🐇

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Yes, Sir…

I walked in and the base line was vibrating from the floor up to my hips.
I was intoxicated with your herb, and honestly, I would have swapped that high just to have you next to me. But, you had plans, and this was something I had been putting for for too long. If I had to ride solo, I would.

Walking through the vendor area, I was like a kid in a candy store. The floggers, ball gags, cuffs, rope, nipple clamps… It was like a kinksters heaven. I touched various leather items and imagined what they would feel like against my skin. They we’re soft, yet, firm. The wooden paddles were solid; some carved, some simply drilled with holes.
Some of the leather ones we’re even pressed. I held up my favorite “dirty count” was carved in it.

An imagine of me on all fours sucking your cock took over my mind. Your one hand holding a fist full of my hair. The other spanking me with the paddle as I took you in my mouth…

I put it back and kept walking. Made my way into the event, and ordered a drink. I ate a Tootsie before consuming the alcohol and i knew that would either be the best, or worst idea.

It seemed like hours went by. My messages you to went unread, and my anxiety was kicking in. Some days i wonder if I’m placing you in a role, and I’m not aware of it.

The clock was about to hit 12:30am, and I was three sheets to the wind. I was so .. Irritated. I wanted you to look at all the pictures. I wanted you to read about all the things i saw.

12:30 hit, and i was ready to leave. In tears, i sent the dumbest message…
“Beat night of my life sucks because your MIA. I know we are just friends, but I’d drop to my knees for you in a heart beat.” send

For one very long minute, I just looked at my phone, and saw all 17 messages change to read.
I waited for you to respond, but there was no text back.

Without warning I felt a hand reach around my neck and pull my head back. The fear in me froze my body, and I couldn’t breath. Until I heard your voice.

“Then get on your knees, and prove it.”

I let out a ragged breath and closed my eyes. “Yes, Sir.”

I turned around, kneeled, and looked up at you. This shit eating grin ran across your face, and as much as I wanted to smile back, I couldn’t.

You reached down and touched my head. I couldn’t move. Anything, you could have asked me to do ANYTHING, and I would have said yes. But your only request? “Ok Bunny, get up now.”

I stood in front of you, and couldn’t look away from the floor. There was a rush of relief and excitement all at the same time.
A tear started to run down my face, and i had no explanation for it. You reached to wipe it away, and laughed. “What, no hug?”

I flung my arms around you so tight, even i couldn’t breath. The tears flooded my face and i didn’t want to let go. I was so far out if my comfort zone, that i felt a full blown panic attack sneaking in.

“I was here all alone. I didn’t know anyone. I couldn’t even watch all the shows because i didn’t know if i wanted to stay or leave.”

The laugh that snuck out between your lips was almost as evil as it was sweet. “Bunny, I’ve been watching you the whole time. I’ve been here, just watching. Right there..” And you pointed to the corner of the bar.

How did i not notice you? How did i not see you at all?

I stepped back, and smiled. “Ass hole” i laughed.

“That’s my girl!” You responded with a laugh. “Now, lets go enjoy the show”

You grabbed my wrist, and held on tight, as you guided me through the crowd. We stood about 30 feet from the stage, and i watched in awe as the girl crawled to her commander, and he used a paddle much like the one in the vendor area.

“That could be you up there.” You whispered.

“Ha! Yea OK….” I laughed, and looked back at you. “I’m solo, i don’t submit to just anyone. It will be a few years until anyone earns that.”

“I see… Well, i need to go. I hope you enjoy your night.” You said quite sternly.

My heart dropped. I wanted to cry instantly. I grabbed your bicep and locked eyes with you, “why? You just … I didnt know… Why are you leaving?”

“I need to go look for something…” You said, with an almost angry look on your face.

“Sir, what do you need? I will get it for you. I promise. Just don’t leave, please!!” I begged

“I need to go find the woman who fell to her knees back there… That’s the woman who showed me i earned her trust.” And you turned away, and left. I just stood there crying, screaming your name, and it was as if, no one at all could hear me.

I woke up in this horrible cold sweat. It was 4:15am, my alarm had another 15 minutes.

I laid in bed and cried. Why?
I have no idea…

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Yesterday, I lied…

(I wrote this a while ago, but… it’s still true. Except, I don’t see my ex anymore lol)

Yesterday I saw my ex. I didn’t lie about that.
I told you why I had to see him. I didn’t lie about that.
You asked me how it went, I said “blah”. I lied about that.
.
He tried to talk to me, he tried his guilt trips, his promised, his years started falling. But I have seen this all before.

I couldn’t focus on the things be was saying or doing.

I just wanted to message you. I wanted to hurry home, so I could see you.
I wanted to hug you close and kiss your cheek.

Fast forward to. You arriving… Explaining the … Costs.
I was trying to tell you why I was confused…
1, 2, but then 3…

You held up your fingers counting.

Without a though I hooked your fingers in order to explain what I was saying, “the first one (grabbing your first finger), the second one, (grabbing your second finger) and the third one would be the same as the first! (Grabbing your third finger). ”

I couldn’t move, I needed you to say something, and about five seconds later you did, but it felt like hours.

Why?

Why do you make two hours seem like ten, in the beat way possible?

Why do you make me feel this way?

I’m going to get hurt….

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Lost, but not found…

I think there is a piece of me deep inside that I am scared to let go of.
This piece that has nothing to do with the lifestyle, or my sexuality.
It quite literally, is the center of my soul that I am protecting harder than I ever have before.

It was free once. Free to love and laugh, and giggle and smile…

When it was free…
My body moved without worry.
My mind thought without fear.
My mouth spoke without hesitation.
My dreams lifted me.
My voice spilled from my lips like the honey from a spoon, slow and smooth.

I would dance, and make love like my body size was unimportant.
I would think and act in a way that filled every space around me with love.
I would speak life into situations that would otherwise find a dark ending.
I would dream so vividly that o had an urge to wake and a t on them without delay.
I would sing while cooking and cleaning and never skip a beat when someone walked into the room.

But now…
I hide my body, even from myself.
I block out my own thoughts.
I keep my mouth closed.
I try not to dream.
I won’t let anyone heat me sing.

I still avoid looking at myself in the mirror, and I try to dress to hide every inch of me.
I keep all my thoughts to myself.
I often keep my words inside, or written here, or on paper to never be read.
I tend to leave out bits and pieces of my dreams, because they aren’t the same anymore.
I don’t sing unless I’m alone, and only hum around others.

One day I will find that piece of me again. I see a glimpse of it, but, I won’t let her out until I know I can trust myself again.