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Things I wish you knew… 

I wish you knew… 

Every time you send me a selfie, I see more than your smile and eyes. 

I see the laughter flowing from your lips the night we smoked so much that I couldnt breath. I see the lines in the corner of your eyes,  and they remind me of the way you smiled at dinner.  I want to appreciate them,  and smooth them with my thumb at the same time. 
Every time you hug me,  I don’t just feel your arms. 

I feel a place I didn’t know existed. I feel a safety that I wasn’t sure was real.  I feel a calmness in all the anxiety I feel when I stand too close to you. I feel the buzz go calm,  and the rush od blood silence. 
Every time we have a conversation,  I don’t just heat your sentences. 

I hear your voice and fins its calm.  I hear your thoughts and get wraped up in how wonderful they are.  I hear your excitement when you speak about things you love.  I hear the honestly and innocents in your dreams. I hear your intelligence and think of how beautiful your mind is. 
I wish you could see all these things. 

I wish I could sit on the couch with you, in my pajamas,  and just do anything to make You laugh,  and feel loved. I would hold your hand as tightly as you hold my attention,  and smile each time you made my heart beat a little faster. 
I just wish you knew. 

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I used to be a down looker 

I used to be one of those..  Down lookers. 

But then something amazing happened. 

I noticed the bright green moss growing on the tree stump while I was waking in the park one day. 

Then the blue sky caught my eyes through the bare branches. 

Then the cold turned warm,  and the green grass began to sprout flowers.  

I noticed then,  everything I had been missing in life.  

I noticed the leafs as they grew into the trees this spring. 

I noticed the way the buildings downtown rise and fall with the turn of the bus. 

I stepped outside a castle,  looked up at the stars,  and realized that I had seen them once before. 

I hiked a small embankment to a flat that was bumpy with tree roots,  and found soft earth,  and a soft place in my heart. 

I watched a fire grow as it was fed with laughter and energy,  not just dry wood. 

I found smiles,  genuine smiles,  that didn’t require a meme or short video to burst into laughter. 

I started to watch the clouds out of the window at work,  and wonder if anyone saw the same shapes I did. 

And I watched the full moon as it commanded our attention in the sky. 

I missed so much before then. 

Before I saw that green moss growing on that tree stump. 

I used to be a down looker.  But then I found a reason to look up. 

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2:49am… 

This is what I wake up thinking about…. 

I’m not a teenager. 

I’m 34 years old. 

I see relationships differently and I don’t know if it’s because of my age,  or because of my ex. 

I got guilted and manipulated into moving in together after just a couple weeks.  I didn’t want to. 

But now I’m 34, not 26. Time goes by quicker. 

I pray to god I find someone who has done understanding. And patience. 

Trust me,  I’m not crazy.  I am well aware of the faults that live in me.  The problem is,  they weren’t there before.